and I can say that I am not a natural exerciser. Carl has kept up with his bodding, and enjoys it. Kerry is now living in the north East as a dog trainer.
I have held down a steady job for the past 6 years and feel reasonably proud of the work that I do. After bods, I decided it was my mind that needed looking at. I have struggled over the years with my mental health in one way or another, I have struggled to motivate myself and have been an enemy voice in my own head. Always doing myself down, not feeling good enough, the usual...! I spent a long time in therapy and half trained to become a counsellor myself. It allowed me to reframe my life for myself, and I have been settled in a relationship with Dave for the past 4 years. We got together just before the pandemic and ever since I have been building a relationship with his two lovely kids who have become an important part of my life.
I always thought I would become a mother, it was the one thing I felt I was born to do. Life doesn't always work out as we might think and for a number of reasons that hasn't happened. The wrong time, wrong person, not enough cash security, not enough life security... perhaps excuses as I always seem to be afraid to grab the things I really want. After looking into my step son's ADHD, I think I have become yet another person to self diagnose themselves with it. Though I seem to have the inattentive version, so less hyper, but I have a disorganised brain and I am really bad at organising myself. I always have been. There are many tools available now to help organise and I use all of these. Online diaries, reminders, and a daily structure are important to me. It has helped put some of my difficulties in school in perspective - not that I ever told my Mum or my Dad about these that I can remember. I didn't like admitting weakness, I just wanted them to think I was doing well. I have always wanted that.
To this end, I haven't always been honest with them about my life, which was pretty hectic at some points. My social life in my twenties was the be all and end all for me, friends became my family and they supported me through difficult times. I have never let my family do that for me, as I have always felt that they have needed my support. I've always done this from a distance as being back in Kent wasn't an option for me, and the freedom I felt when moving away to Ireland was something that didn't leave me. I had felt a huge amount of pressure as a teenager to ensure I was ok, to make sure my Mum was ok. I was the first point of call for her anytime anything went wrong and I remember the feeling when I arrived in Dublin aged 18. Freedom. I of course, was living a hedonistic lifestyle when I got to Dublin. This continued - and i'd like to say I got it all out of my system by the age of 20, but realistically life was still fairly hedonistic until quite recently. I have changed immeasurably over the past 2 years, as peri menopause has set in. It made me quite unwell, with frequent migraines and extreme tiredness. I had enough energy to get through a stressful day at work but then I had nothing left by the end of the day. Life became monotonous - and I felt extremely flat and a kind of depression set in again. Life has changed for all post pandemic, but I find myself feeling anxious about lost friends, family I don't see enough, as people's priorities have changed and many people are now focussing heavily on what they have in front of them. My way of being before was to put energy out into the world, into my friendships - and at the time that was great as I got that back from others - but now that has changed and I have changed. I think I was an extrovert and now I seem to have become an introvert.
I find the internet stressful, conflicting opinions, fights, people being selfish, unreasonable, spiteful, cruel and it tires me.
I'm not sure why I am writing this, my memory is awful - and I think I want to have some place to put my thoughts down, so I don't forget my life.
